I am over 60, and the Armed Forces think I'm too old to track down terrorists. (You can't be older than 42 to join the military.) They've got the whole thing backwards Surprised?? Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're 35, and divorced at least once.

    For starters:
    Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on shooting the enemy.

    Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. "My back hurts!  I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry!" We are impatient, and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it....will make us feel better and....shut us up for a while.

     An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee...so what the hell. Besides, like I said, "I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical Islamic son-of-a-bitch. Lock and Load!

     If captured, we couldn't spill the beans because.....we'd forget where we put them. In fact...name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.....especially for me!

    Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at, and we like soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

    They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in combat, and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. now.... "Get down and give me.....er.....ONE!...Thanks!"

    Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. However, I’ve actually seen a deer step in front of one....even when the bullet....(unfortunately...my car) with headlights on it....and a fuckin' horn a’ blowin'....doin 55 mph!....and wrecked my stinkin' car!! A very elusive creature, that fuckin' deer!

    An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

    These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life, before sending them off into harm's way.

    Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked us on September 11. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed off old farts, with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them....on the hunt!

    If nothing else, put us on the border, and we will have it secured the first night....Done!!

                                                                  I DON'T LIKE……RAP!    

    First of all, it doesn't have a melody….nor music. It does have a beat....ONE! A piece of music, I think, ought to have a melody, even if it's a bad one performed by kids with spiked hair, tattoos, and bolts through their tongues. So, without a melody, no music, and only that ONE beat, were down to a poem that, in most cases, doesn't rhyme!! Sadly, no one notices or even cares.

    Well, some poems don't rhyme! I recall studying free verse in college, and that's why I never liked Whitman. Anybody can write a poem that doesn't rhyme, and anybody can write a song that doesn't have a melody. I can remember, some 25 years ago, that the Billboard Music Awards had no category for rap. Why? Simple! It  contained  NO music….Zero, Nada, Zilch....Nor would they allow those drug-infested, maggot-brained thugs through the front door….THEN!

    It's not that I don't like rap because its performed by Black people. Eminem does rap and he's White. He's also vulgar, uneducated, uncultured, psychotic, and a drugged-out wife beater....and if he came around my daughter, I would call 911 on him and bolt the doors. Half of these assholes can't even vote….Why?.....Heard of Gangsta Rap?  These are fuckin' convicted felons!  

    You can fix a lot of things….your tummy, sight, hearing, hair, teeth….even your boobs…..but you can't fix…..Stupid!!    That's why I don't like rap, and I'm frightened of it, too! Why? Because, for the most part, IT'S STUPID! Plus: deranged, vile, degrading, socially unfit, and violent beyond all reason!!! It's the theme song for GETTING DEAD by the hands of these demented people. Rappers should have to wear a sign that just says, “I'M STUPID”. That way you wouldn't have to deal with them.…Would you? You wouldn't ask them anything!! It would be like, “Excuse me? … Oops! … Never mind….. Didn't see your sign”. Rap enthusiasts should also wear that sign…and one on their silly, noisy, little boom-boom cars that says, “STUPID NOW….DEAD SOON”!!!    

    In my generation, parents thought rock n' roll caused pregnancy, but that only lasts nine months. Getting pregnant is better than getting DEAD!! Some rap lyrics say, “Kill the motherfuckers, blow the s.o.b.s brains out, rape the bitch and then kill her” …WHAT?..WHAT?...and this crap is all over radio, for the "benefit" of our children.

    Around the country, violent crime has exploded up to 168%, and high school graduation has pummeled to 49%. This mindless crap is the lowest notch on the bar to….The Dumbing-Down of America!! We're all suffering!!

    We have DRIVE-BY RECORDS and DEATH ROW RECORDS expounding the virtues of firing into a crowd of people on the street from a car. Young blacks are dying violently....in droves!!....and now…NONE of us are safe!! Ice Cube says, "Dealing with a Korean is simple. Put a bullet in his temple”. Yes!.…it rhymes….but so does rap and.…CRAP!!   Sociopathic Garbage!

    Black people in this country should be horrified and ashamed of this so-called contribution to the American musical scene, but then again, most of them now wear signs. Some idiots actually believe that rap is simply a reflection of our culture, OBLIVIOUS to the fact that what goes in ones ear often lodges in the brain!! That's how advertising and propaganda work. Freedom of speech was never intended to protect some jerk from screaming “FIRE” in a crowded theater....Nor should it protect lyrics to “kill” and to "be killed by” … either!!   Sick Shit!!

    So.…what's the answer to this mess? Well, for one thing, Blacks in this country are screwed by this. And now White kids have taken up this theme song too, and are trying to be BLACK NIGGERS!!! Just take a look at what empties out of the schools at last bell!....A parade of wannabe THUGS!!....Some with smiles that would blind a dentist, a jeweler, or a welder. They call it “bling-bling”. I say, you'd better practice the phrase, “Would youz like fries wid dat?"

    Some years ago I had a thought, that, if someone really wanted to listen to this dangerous garbage.…they should be required to pay for it!! Why not put MTV and BET on pay-per-view, with the profits going to re-education,  drug-treatment centers, and the construction of more and bigger prisons? That's a start!! … Isn't it? … Maybe?? Or, should we all just watch “American Idol” or “Survivor” or….how about “Pimp My Ride” reruns....and drive that bar even deeper into the dirt?.....Does anyone have the shovel??....Anyone wanna tune in?? How about this one….

           From Dr. Bob....no sign needed yet, but I'm thinking about green neons under my Town Car!

1. The other day, a young person asked me how I felt about being old. I was taken aback, for I do not think of myself as old. Upon seeing my reaction, she was immediately embarrassed, but I explained that it was an interesting question, and I would ponder it, and let her know. I did….and learned as I pondered. Old Age, I decided, is a gift. cherished in my life…having escaped death….TWICE….(so far)… living on what I consider "borrowed time"....and loving ever second of it.  

         I am now….probably for the first time in my life…the person I have always wanted to be….especially  with          my music. Oh, not my body!....I sometime despair over my body....the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often, I am confused by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my Mother!)….But I don't agonize over those things for long. I giggle and move on….Grateful that I can still smack that tennis ball, but I can no longer scamper it....I kind of....shuffle around.

         I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, and my loving daughter, Jeanne, for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become my own my friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, for buying that silly, cement flamingo that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon....before they understood the great freedom that come with aging. Whose business is it if I chose to read, or play the piano until 4 AM, or sleep till noon?....It's my life, and that's...That! 

        I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 & 70's….and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love, I will…and still do….especially when I listen to “When I Was Just A Boy"….or “Self Portrait”…or “Lullaby for Lucille”.   

          I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a beer belly, and will dive into the waves with reckless abandon, if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old. And, I know I am sometimes forgetful…..But then again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things….like…“Why am I standing here in this room?....Oh yes!....I'm out of beer”.

         Sure, over the years, my heart has been broken. It sometimes shows up in my music. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car?....But, broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.  

        I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into the grooves on my face. So many of us have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver….I'll take the silver and be loving it.

        As I've gotten older, I find it easier to be positive. I care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong…..and getting good at it, too.    

       So… to answer your question....I like being old! It has set me free! I like the person I have become. I'm not going to live forever, but while I'm still here, I will not waste time lamenting about what shoulda / coulda / woulda, or worrying about what will be. Every day will be Saturday....and I shall eat dessert every single day....as long as Kurt keeps making that great ice cream.  

MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART….. ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S  STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART!         

As Ben Franklin said, "In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom...in water there is bacteria.”

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have found and demonstrated that if we drink 1 gallon of water each day, at the end of the year we will have absorbed more than 7 lbs. of Escherichia coli...(E. coli)...that nasty bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 7 pounds of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking beer...or tequila, rum, Jack Daniel's, or other liquor...because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

 
Remember: Water = Poop Beer = Health .

Therefore....it's far better to drink beer and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information....I'm doing it as a public service. Now, go chill down some brews, and tell that skinny guy with his bottle of water to shut the fuck up!

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving there safely in an attractive and well preserved body....but rather to skid in sideways....tumbling and crashing....dirt flying everywhere....Beck's in one hand....Jack Daniel's in the other....body thoroughly used up....totally worn out and screaming....

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's my final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after that 85 year, $4.7 billion conflicting nutritional study that I finally figured out:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians and French drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

MY FREE CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like....Speaking English is apparently what kills you. See you at the border!! Haste la Bye-Bye, Amigos....

1.   A day without sunshine is like.....night.  On the other hand........you have different fingers.    

2.  42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.   

3. 99 percent of lawyers give all the rest......a bad name.   

4. Remember: half the people you know are below average.   

5. One in three people is borderline nuts!....(that happily includes me!)   

6. He who laughs last........thinks slowest.   

7. Depression is merely anger......without enthusiasm.   

8. The early bird may get the worm.....but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap. 

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.  

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.   

11. Change is inevitable.....except from vending machines.   

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments!   

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesics?....Alright....now......RAISE MY HAND!!!   

14. OK....We're all smart...Right?  So, what's the speed of dark?   

15. When everything seems to becoming your way..... you're in the wrong lane.   

16. Hard work pays off in the future......Laziness pays off now.   

17. How much deeper would the ocean be.....without sponges?  

18. Eagles may soar....so elegant in the high blue sky.... but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.   

19. What happens if you get scared half to death......TWICE?   

20. Why do psychics have to ask you.......for your name?   

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering...."What the hell happened?"   

22. Remember -- if the world didn't suck….we would all fall off.   

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you.......hear them speak.   

24. Life is NOT like a box of chocolates......it's more like a jar of jalapenos!....What you do today ... might burn your ass tomorrow.   

 New Rule #1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason I don't talk to people for 25 years....because I don't particularly like them!? Besides....I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days.....He's mowing my lawn!

New Rule #2 : Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window, unless you're a sea gull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey... What did you expect to find in it?....Trout?


New Rule #3 : Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? OK..... we're done.

New Rule #4 : There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket! Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some Jack Daniels over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water, and it's good for you too!

New Rule #5 : Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label and the top is now the bottom. By the time grandpa figures out how to open it.…his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations Target!....You just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule #6 : The more complicated the Starbucks order....the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet".... Ooooh....you're a HUGE asshole!

New Rule #7 : I'm not the cashier! By the time I locate and slide my card, press #1 for English....entering my PIN number, press "Enter".… verifying the amount, deciding, "No, I don't want cash back", and pressing "Enter" again, the kid, with spiked hair and a bolt through his lip....who is supposed to be ringing me up, is standing there......eating my Almond Joy.....and drinking my fuckin' beer!    SHIT!?!@%!

#10 - Can't slouch down and smoke crack while driving.

# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.

# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.

# 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up their pants.

# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt, Jr.

# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.

# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.

# 3 - No Cadillac with 27" rims approved for competition.

# 2 - When they crash their cars....they bail out and run.

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR

#1 - THEY CAN'T WEAR THEIR HELMETS....SIDEWAYS!

YES!!.....IT'S TRUE!! We here at DumbFuck MTV will send you a FREE..(just pay $19.95 shipping & handling) video of the MTV broadcast of "Video Music Awards", recently aired. See that beer-belly on you and your wife disappear with just ONE viewing of Britney Spears yodeling and stumbling her way to her next smash hit, "This Sucks and So Do I". You will puke and poop your way to that NEW YOU.

DAVIE, FLORIDA 2007(AP) - A seven-year-old Davie, Florida boy was at the center of a Fort Lauderdale courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy had a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, Laquisha Johnson, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. Ms. Johnson has nine other children, no husband, a 6th grade drop-out, and lives in a two-room public housing unit.

The boy surprised the court, when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents, and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandmother, 33-year-old Tamika Johnson, the boy cried out that she also beat him, too, and currently resided in state prison.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose...who should have
custody of him. Hours passed, and the youth finally made his decision.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to...the Miami Dolphins, whom the boy firmly believed were not capable of......beating anyone.

0zone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world...."Mexifornia" formerly known as "California". White minorities still trying to have "English" recognized as Mexifornia's second language. President Spears refuses to take a stand on issue. She's still in rehab!

"Spotted Owl Plague" threatens NW United States crops and livestock.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. Gays Riot!

Iran still closed off! Physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

Castro finally dies at age 112! Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. Americans flee to Cuba!

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise are the keys to weight loss.

90% of all Blacks now deaf! Rap music is blamed....now banned world-wide.  Violent crime tumbles as result.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs. America's only airline, Virgin Air, adds more seats.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure....for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Florexico.

Japanese scientists discover the ultimate form of torture....Non-Stop Rap Music!

Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States.

Senate still blocks drilling in Florida's Gulf Stream, even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florexico voters still have trouble with voting machines. Fraud Suspected!

Now that you've read this, guess what?

Nothing will happen. No miracles, absolutely nothing....except you might smile. Have fun, and stay a little nuts!

You might recall that nasty lookin' English bitch, Amy Winehouse...

who can't sing, can't dance, can't play any instrument....an arrest record that goes back for years...tattoos, spiked hair, bolts through her tongue, lip, ears, navel, nipples, and clit....(if someone ever fucked her, they wouldn't know whether to use their dick or a fuckin' torque wrench)...This ugly, smelly bitch, who won 5 Grammy's last year, but.... being such a drug-infested, maggot-brained, psychotic whack-job, being refused entry into this country to attend the Award show because of her criminal record, idolized by millions of our youth....was just arrested AGAIN… for....DRUGS! The only culture she has...is the fucking bacteria growing under her hairy armpits. So, someone go get that shovel, and let's jam that "BAR"....the one that's labeled, "The Dumbing-Down of America"...a little deeper into the ground...along with all of those dead Rappers. (I just wish they would shoot each other...more often!!)

PS: If I ever write about this smelly, worthless, pile-of-shit, I-think-it's-a-woman bitch again.....I won't be so kind! Plus, I think they should random-drug-test.....every member of the real asshole culprits here, the     Grammy/Billboard/MTV/American Music Awards......judging committee!!

"WATERFALL CLIMB & HIGH JUMP"  winner was little (and now the late) Billy Smithers, a very talented but confused 4-year-old, who.....after a spirited climb..... performed a perfectly executed full-gainer with a half twist, unfortunately..... off the back of the waterfall into the parking lot, crushing his skull and.....smashing Galo's nice car. A memorial fund has therefore been established.......to repair Galo's car. We're sorry, Galo!

The hands down winner of the "BARKING & YELPING CONTEST"  goes to "Sparky", a tiny Maltese from unit 12, whose powerful blasts removed 18 barrel roof tiles from the Commercial Center, and sent millions of multi-legged creatures stampeding from the property. Little Sparky, snapped up by Vacation Rentals, now heads the pest control department for the entire development. Congratulations to Sparky!!

It was a unanimous decision for the winner of the "CONTINUOUS YELLING & SCREAMING CONTEST": That award goes to 5 year old Tiffany, a Miami-Cuban from unit 25, whose continuous 13 hour effort finally pegged our meters (2 km away)...fractured the paint on building #3.... PLUS.... caused a suicide in unit 26 above....(we'll miss that really nice guy). So, double kudos go to Tiffany for her deadly 150dB lungs, and quality tenant removal abilities. GREAT JOB!!! Keep it up..Tiffany! Michael came in a close second.

Here at Sunrise Kiddie DayCare, where our moto is..."WE WON'T KILL THEM" (unless you tell us to) are proud of this year's achievements, which include: reduced quality tenants, tumbling room rates, and the word is finally out...NO long-term adult rentals are welcome... Only Hispanics with large numbers of noisy, ill-mannered, infant children will be permitted. Pass the word!

New Rules established by HOA: NONE....There are no rules, regulations or enforcements.....Ever!!....We're the... "Animal House"...for children and infants!!

So, we'll do our job...with your continued support...to turn Sunrise Condominium into a Mecca for troubled surfers, infants and pets. And remember...boom-boxes, skateboards, and coolers are always welcome. Plus..we're still trying to nix that troublesome fecal e.coli outbreak in the pool area. Ear & nose plugs continue to be handy items to bring along...Also.. remember to bring all of your pool toys, and be sure to take home some of our new pool furniture...It's all free!

Join us for next year's competition...and stay over!....The complex should be completely void of Anglos by then......Let's Hope So!......Because.....

1.   Well, it appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman, from Florida, LaKeesha Johnson, has complained that the names of hurricanes are all….. Caucasian sounding names! She would prefer some names that reflect……African-American culture…..such as:     Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, Tameikah, Leroy, Willy, Jamal, Tyrone, Lamar, and…... of course….Shameika!……(our favorite).      

She would…ALSO….like the weather reports to be broadcast in language that “street people” can understand. Because, one of the problems that happened in New Orleans, was…..”that black people couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation……due to the racially    biased    language of the weather report”.      (Yo herrd of Ebonics?)     Ssooo!…….Here's whats a'comin'……Hold on:   

Al Bebad, the weatherman/turntablist from BET, aka, YoMoFo, says:  "Wazzup, mutha-fukkas!?!  Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass! ……like Leroy on a crotch rocket! Bitch...be a category fo'!   So grab yo' chirren….yo bling…yo' Ho….Be a'leavin yo crib…..and head fo' da nearest guv'ment office fo yo FREE shit!.....Praiz da Loorred!!…..(Hey!…Yuz got sumadem....cap'n ammo?   It be time to go……a'shoppin!)

1. There are 3 good arguments that Jesus was.....Black:

1. He called everyone brother.
2. He loved Gospel music.
3. He didn't get a fair trial.

But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was.....Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure He was God.

But, there are also 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was.....Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with his meals.
3. He put olive oil on everything.

But, also consider 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a......California Hippy:

1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then again, there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an......American Indian:

1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the "Great Spirit" when He smoked ...(they say peyote....I think pot).

But you might think about 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was.....Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories when he drank.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all.....proofs that Jesus was a….WOMAN!!            

1. She fed a crowd at a moment's notice......when there was virtually no food.

2. She kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men......who just didn't get it.

3. And even when She was dead, She had to get up.....because there was still work to do.

Note:  I have a lot of theories about women….

But, I also think that.....most of them are wrong!

And, I don't believe that He was a cross-dresser either!

But, when you look at the paintings….

She was just flat-chested, in a frompy outfit!

1. There comes a point in your life when you realize:
   Who matters,
       Who never did,
          Who won't anymore...and
             Who always will.   
   So, don't worry about some people from your past.There's a reason why they didn't make it into your future! Be kinder than necessary, though. Because, everyone you meet is fighting......some kind of battle.

                                                                                                            BACK TO TOP

1. Even though I worked today, I still managed to view the office TV frequently......with many highlights. Tears welled up sometimes...memories of our High School Band playing and marching down Pennsylvania Avenue in1961....but, a major highlight was watching George Bush exit the White House! He should (and must) be criminally indicted, along with the rest of his treacherous, money-grabbing gang of thieves!

Look....I go back to Eisenhower! I've seen plenty since....and watched this country virtually soar...especially in the 50's. But, since 1963....I've seen a steady decay of our civilization, our society, and....most importantly...our ARTS! ....They're all connected. They are!!  The moral compass has now been lost. We are now besieged by overwhelming....suffocating....rampant....insidious....

                                                                   GREED and STUPIDITY

Perhaps this Black man....our President...can finally enlighten the masses. Remember when Kennedy televised the "White House Concerts"....honoring our best talents...celebrating their excellence?? Wow!!   I loved those times, opening my eyes to....What Is Possible!?!  But then, greed and stupidity started to raise their ugly heads. Elvis had already arrived...but they bussed...they removed music from the schools...they shot Kennedy....and they let the demise of our civilization enter our shores....and put it on the "Ed Sullivan Show" ...The Beatles!!.....followed by, and deluged by, every un-talented, drug-infested, maggot-brained, psychotic wanna-be, whack-job-copy-cat on the planet! Remember "PAYOLA"? Well, it worked.....and still does! How else does a complete unknown rocket to #1.....on day two? Money talks!....Talent?  Not required!

Soon, we began honoring mediocrity and gimmickry....and...DOWN WE GO!... honoring: actors who can't act....writers who can't write!....politicians who corrupt the system....musicians who can't sing, play, or dance....(and can't even dress for the gig! Christ...most dress like Guatemalan refugees who just got off the bus)....bankers who can't bank...schools who can't teach...and how about those "golden parachutes"?  Wonderful, huh!  Television?...Oh, don't get me started! I fully expect to hear about the new Reality Show.....

                                                          "Who Wants To Bang My Mom"!!

But it starts with the ARTS...(hear me Obama!)....Put it back in the schools!....Play it on the radio!...Put it on television!...(remember Leonard Bernstein?)... Celebrate our BEST....not the easiest, and cheapest crap felon-thugs can produce!! Our socially unfit media is taking us down! Oops!....We're already at the bottom, and it took just 50 years to get here. I think you've noticed.

I'm fed up with this crap, and thoroughly pissed.   Let's ALL get started!! I just hope that Obama doesn't mean:

                                                           "O"ne  "B"ig  "A"ss  "M"istake  "A"merica

                                                                  PRAISE ONLY EXCELLENCE!!

The federal government announced today that it is changing the U.S. emblem from the Eagle to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects our pathetic government's political stance. The condom allows for:  inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security...... while you're actually being.....screwed! Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!

The courageous sponsor of the bill, Rep. Al Bendova,  really did something that actually makes good sense.

1. Here's that elusive answer that troubles so many people.
   1) Pick your favorite number between 1-9.
   2) Multiply by 3....then add 3.
   3) Again, multiply by 3.....(I'll wait while you get the calculator)
   4) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number.....now,
   5) Add the digits together.
   OK.....Scroll down.     

With that number, you'll see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:

1. Einstein
2. Nelson Mandela
3. Miles Davis
4. Rod Laver
5. Bill Gates
6. Barack Obama
7. Jesse Ventura
8. Fiddy Cent
9. Dr. Bob

 I recently turned 65 and had to choose a new primary care physician for my Medicare coverage. (How did I ever get to here?)  
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, the doctor said I was doing “exceptionally well”.…...for my age.   

A little surprised  about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, “My Pop made it to 91!  Do you think I will live to be 80? 
He asked:   "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"
“Oh yes!” I replied. “Plus, I do alota drugs, too!  Isn't it almost doobie time?   

"Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?", he asked.
I replied, “Oh yes!....and I try to make it a party….every fuckin' day! 

Further inquiring, "Do you eat ribeye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, “Yes, I love'um!...but my other doctor said that all that red meat was unhealthy! Uh, he passed away last year at age 44!"   

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like….playing tennis, sailing, or going to the beach?"   
“Oh Yea!....I've loved the out-of-doors my entire life!”, I exclaimed!   

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars……and have a lot of sex?"   
“Oh Yes!....and I'm told that…I'm good at'um ALL!   Humma Humma!"                   
He then put his pen down…..looked at me…..   and said,   

“Christ!....You should've been dead…..YEARS AGO!!!"

 
                                                    Lesson learned:  At my age….(you would think)…I gotta stop asking:      

1.  Achmed (that's pronounced Ak-"flem"-med) came to the United States from Afghanistan. He was only in Michigan a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him. Saddened, he prayed to Allah for guidance.   

Enlightened, he went to an Arab doctor. The doctor said, "Take dees bucket, go into de odder room, poop in de bucket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."

  Achmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the
bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for
ten minutes. Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked!! I feel terrific!

What was wrong with me?" The doctor said...."You were homesick."

1. (1) Press "1 for English” would be immediately banned. English is the official language. Speak it….or wait at the border, at your own stinkin' expense, until you can speak it.....fluently! Amnesty? Screw you!  It ain't gonna happen!
   
   (2) We will immediately go into a two year isolationist posture to straighten out the country's “attitude”. NO imports, NO exports! We will use the Wal-Mart policy: “If we ain't got it……You sure as hell don't need it!” When/if imports are allowed, there will be a 100% Federal import tax on them to fund education and income tax rebates for our low to middle income Americans.

   
(3) All retired, able military personnel will be required to man one of our many observation towers on the Southern border (a three month paid tour). They will be under strict orders NOT to fire on  SOUTHBOUND  illegal aliens. NORTHBOUNDERS?....They are target practice!  

(4) Social security will immediately return to its original state.  you didn't put nothin' in….you ain't gettin' nothin' out!! The President, nor any other politician, will not be able to touch it….Period!       

 
(5) Welfare Checks will be handed out on Fridays, at the end of the 40 hour school week….with a successful completion of a urinalysis test and a passing grade. Otherwise....screw you, too!

(6) Professional Athletes and Steroids: The FIRST time you check positive….you're banned for life. Screw You!

(7) Crime - We will adopt the "2 Strike Rule": The second time you're arrested, start packing a bag, because your ass is going to the slammer. There will be no more life sentences, costing us $60,000 a year to house your ass.  Convicted of murder, you won't sit on death row for 25 years. Your ass goes to the head of the line. Fuck You!

(8) One export will be allowed: Wheat! The world needs to eat. A bushel of wheat will be sold for the exact same price of a barrel of OPEC oil….Screw OPEC! And, speaking of those assholes….All domestic crude produced in this country….will be controlled by THIS country, and NOT by the commodities market. Screw them…too! All government subsidies to major oil producers will stop immediately!  

(9) All foreign aid, using American taxpayer money, will immediately cease, and the money saved will pay off the national debt and ultimately lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask the American people if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision as to whether it's a worthy cause or not. NO MORE GIVE-AWAYS….especially to countries that hate us!

(10) The Pledge of Allegiance will be said, every day, in all school and every day in Congress. All lobbyists will be barred from all communications with congressmen, and permanently banned from Washington. Violators will be arrested on sight! Screw them, too! They're all just a bunch of worthless, thieving assholes.  Fuck'um!

(11) Osama bin Laden tried and failed to take down Wall Street, so he simply allowed the worst terrorists/whores on the planet to take over….Wall Street CEOs! Those who broke ANY law, will be subject to the RICO Act, prosecuted, fined to the max…property seized….and sent to jail for a minimum of 50 butt-fuckin' years!

(12) Marijuana, Cocaine, and Crack will become legalized, completely grown, produced, and controlled by the Federal Government, with all profits going to education. Street gangs will therefore be eradicated. Immediate pay-raises for all teachers, policemen and government task forces who had to put up with that stupid “War on Drugs” policy crap! Of the 51 civilized countries, we rank at #50 in education. Only Turkey holds down the bottom spot. Being fat, loud, lazy and stupid is why we suck, and it's time to change.

(13) RAP (and I won't call it music) is simply noisy, stupid, annoying crap, and will be labeled as "Unfit for Human Consumption" everywhere in the country. Its time for our youth to climb out of the sewer!  Our nations ART forms our culture! Our culture forms our society....which has sadly slid into the toilet!  It's about time to honor our talented artists....NOT felon-thugs in baggy pant and gold teeth! Bling?....You got it?  Well, stick it up your ass, you brain-dead MoFo!

(14) Tel-Evangelists will be barred, by the FCC, from broadcasting everywhere in the country, except on The Comedy Channel. Tax-Exempt status for all church organizations will be immediately canceled! All Catholic priests will be subject to background checks, and random drug tests!  

(15) All so-called “Reality TV Shows” will be relegated to Pay-Per-View. If you wanna see this mung, and reward mediocrity and stupidity, then you'll have to pay for it, with all profits going to education. It's time to raise the bar out of the dirt. This goes for violent video games, too. They are beyond stupid…and combined with RAP are taking this country down. Anyone notice? Violent crime is everywhere, and HS graduation rates are plummitting. Enough with this garbage-crap!

(16) All benefits for our Military Veterans will be immediately doubled!  VA facilities will become the finest, most up-to-date in the country….Period!

(17) I will end the Iraqi Civil War immediately….and demand that the current government….repay us a trillions dollars! Screw those ungrateful pricks! Afghanistan is stuck in the 12th Century.....We're outa there NOW! They are too fucked up!

(18) Iran needs to know….that they will be OBLITERATED from the planet for ANY aggressive action…against ANYONE! Enough with these stone-aged psychopaths!  One blast…and its off-limits for 150 years! Screw'em too!  Afghanistan...look out!

(19) Pensacola, Florida to the Alabama line is floating on a mammoth oil field! Discovered over 50 years ago, they drilled….and capped off 100s of wells. Then the oil companies left town, and shut their mouths. I have some questions to ask those pricks!

(20) Eliminate the “Electoral College”, delegates, and those ridiculous super-delegates. Only the popular vote counts....Period!

(21) I will immediately begin criminal proceedings against Bush and Cheney.... Plus....prosecute the former heads of the SEC, the FDA, the FTC, and publically hang Bernard Maddoff and his gang!

My Cabinet:    Ron Paul………...Vice President

                          Jesse Ventura…..Sec. of State

                          Warren Buffett….Sec. of Treasury

                          Colin Powell…….Sec. of Defense  

1.  Some doctor, on the TV this morning, said that the way to achieve "inner peace" was to finish all the things you have started. Made sense to me! So I looked around the house to see things I'd started and had not finished.

I found PLENTY:
I started with the 7-pack of beer, then I finished off a bottle of 101 Wild Turkey, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, abutle of vocka, a pockage of Pringlies, tha mainder of a botl Prozic and Valum sscriptins, haf a joint, thnn....the res of the Chesescke, an a box a chocolets. I reele feel fuckin' grate!   Nowd, I bredy ta....."burp".....work on.....(I forgot).

1. 1. That the words "race car" spelled backward says....."race car".

2.That "eat" is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells it's past tense....."ate".

3. And ... have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants,"    and add just a few more letters, it spells out:
    "Fuck off and go home you free-loading, benefit grabbing, kid producing, violent, non-English speaking cocksuckers!! And take those hairy faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat fucking, smelly rag-head bastards with you."

                                        Now.....how weird is that?  Well...some asshole has to think about this shit...Right?

First of all, understand that for three years in a row, South Florida has ranked #1 as the most dangerous place to drive, with the worst drivers in the entire United States. Most carry no auto insurance. If you're a snowbird or a non-working retiree, you absolutely cannot drive between the hours of 6am and 10am and 4pm to 7pm, because the roads are littered with carnage and dead bodies! This is considered rush hour, and you not NOT be in any rush to die. No exceptions.....Stay home!
 
I-95 will always be under construction.....That's the law, and there is nothing anyone can do about it, period!  

Traffic lights are not timed and never will be. They are timed, however, to go from red to.....red!

We measure the distance you travel in time, not miles.

If you travel more than 5-10 miles on any road in any part of South Florida
without seeing an orange "Bob's Barricade" sign......you're lost!

If you miss your exit on I-75, I-95, or the Turnpike, its perfectly acceptable to
back up. You can also exit from any lane you're in.....whenever you want.

Once the light turns green, you have one second to move, or the asshole behind you is on his horn. Only 3 cars can go through the intersection. Eight more go through on  yellow, and 4 on red.

Know the difference between Sun Pass , Sun Fest, Sun-Sentinel, and Sun Trust.

Your "blinker" means nothing. Don't use it....ever!

English is rarely spoken.
 

Eliana Tropeano's Connecticut State University study examined whether or not watching a violent music video would provoke individuals to answer questions with violent responses. Eleven participants watched a violent music video, 11 participants watched a nonviolent music video, and 11 participants were in the control group and did not watch any videos. It was found that watching the violent music videos containing violent lyrics, aggressive behavior, and degrading behaviors toward women did make an individual feel and react MORE violently with regards to responses to questions about fictitious scenarios. The conclusion was that watching violent music videos does negatively affect behavior.  

This week in South Florida 2009, I witnessed these events......Please lock your doors! 

Sept. 14: Two loaded guns were found at two Miami high schools. Suspects sought. 

Sept. 15: Coral Gables HS student stabbed to death. Fellow student arrested. 

Sept. 16: Six student at 6 Miami school arrested for carying knives & guns.  

Sept. 17: Teenage girl shot to death at Miami party.  

Sept. 18: How many will be mugged, robbed, raped or murdered today?    

From my point of view, as a player and composer for over 50 years,  critics have it backwards.....in that most music played through the media  over the past 50 years, i.e., rock, rap, grung, punk, metal, gangsta, has  fostered the WORST in people....NOT the best! And, lets face it.... What goes in the ears sometimes sticks in the brain. That's how propaganda works....a mindless thumping of the brain until it sticks! Today's "popular"  so-called music promotes CHAOS!....and look where we are now: the most chaotic world  ever witnessed, with 50% school dropouts, soaring crime, greed and stupidity everywhere.

Please send an encouraging message to your disturbed friends, just as I've done here. I don't care if you lick windows, or take the special bus....You hang in there sunshine, because You're Special! We all know it....and I love you for it, too!  Just keep it up!
Every sixty seconds you spend angry, upset, or mad is a full minute of happiness.... you'll never get back.
Life may not be the party we all hoped for, but while we're here......we should all dance! SSsooo...Put on my music and....

                                                                          CRANK THAT SUCKER UP!!

Today's Message is:  Life is short, so break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably......and never regret anything that made you smile! My Motto:  Don't take yourself too seriously, and.....stay a little nuts!  (Humma Humma)
P.S. Even on a good day, I'm half twisted! So, deal with it, and cut me plenty of slack!  everybody get up and give me a    BIG.........FLAMINGO!!!

 A symphony is the antidote to today's chaos....It's therapy....because it states  Truth"...Educated music masters creating art, harmony, and love.  I just wrote a piece of music last week, here overlooking the Blue Pacific Ocean, nurtured by it's rhythmical surf....,,that brings out "My Truth"....from my heart. It's called "Footprints"....and it's all about us and Shostakovich:

    He left his footprints for others to follow.  They never withered with time, and have touched our soul and core....forever.

   "Thank you for your interest in our church, and your concern with the $$  millions sitting idle in your bank. I am the Honorable Right Reverend Robert of  the Send Dough To Jesus Church located here in Davie, Florida. However, I only do business with our trusted church members, and never by phone.  This is why we do not have a phone number. However, for me and  church to assist you, you will have to first become a member of our flock.  To become a member, you must remove all of your clothes, kneel down  pray to our church, whose members are always naked before God.  Please forward a picture of you, kneeling nude and praying, along with  cashiers check for $3800 as your initial offering to our lovely church.  Please make your check payable to the Right Reverend Robert, and FedX to: The Send Dough To Jesus Church, 2269 S. University Drive,  Box 354, Davie, Florida 33324. Once we receive your offering and  nude photo, I can then proceed in becoming a "relative" to your  client. Praise the Lord....Hallaluya....and send dough to Jesus!